In your darkest time, it's just enough to know it's there

In four hours, I'll be on a bus to Mumbai on my way to catch a flight back to the US. It's a little strange. Ok, it's really strange. Ok, fine; I'm scared to death. I've spent so much of the past few weeks preparing to leave... getting things in order, packing, and saying goodbye to people. But it didn't really sink in until last night. I'd thought about the coming home part, but not about the leaving India part. I don't really know what to think. I've swung back and forth so many times between loving it here and not being able to wait to leave. There are so many things that I miss about home, but there are certain things here that have become a part of me. Sure, I'm pretty emotional, but this is ridiculous.

And it's not just being sad to leave India... it's being afraid of coming home. I realized that whenever I've thought about coming back home, I envisioned picking up right where I left off. I'd go to the same restaurants, be friends with the same people, regain the relationships that I'd lost. And to be honest, I really want that right now. But it might not be possible. I know that I've changed. I know it more now than I ever have before, and even though I know it's positive and necessary, not knowing what to expect when I get home is terrifying.

All that I've wanted over here is reassurance that things will be the same when I'm home. I need the knowledge that my friends are still my friends, that the city is still the way that I remember it, that I'll want the same things that I did before I left. I've been pursuing that through letters, through e-mails, through maintaining as many connections to home as I could. But I couldn't find that reassurance, because it's not guaranteed.

I've been craving a sense of security and stability over here, possibly because it's something that I haven't been able to find at all. I've made some friends over here, but I'm the most alone over here that I've ever been before. It sounds depressing, but it's really not. It's stretched me to find strength within myself that I didn't think was there. But either way, since I haven't been able to find consistency here, I've focused on home as being absolutely stable. It always has been before, so why shouldn't it now? And I know that some parts will be the same... It's not like nothing will be familiar. But I'm going to see some things differently. I might not connect with some of the same people who I've missed so much over here. And the most frustrating part is that I won't know how things will be until I'm actually there. I can't plan this out. I can't predict what Sunday will be like, or the following week, or next year.

And that really scares me.

Love,
Sarah

iPod: "Polaris," Jimmy Eat World