Firefly

So, given that I have the desire to write something in a journal/blog/letter/napkin once about every three minutes, I promised myself when I started this blog that I'd only write when I had something to say. I fill up my "real" (as in paper) journal pretty quickly with everything from New Year's resolution-type lists to silly poetry to actual journaling. But with this blog, I figured that I didn't want to bore the few people who are actually reading this. Turns out that there are a few more than I thought.

But the point is, I started this blog to really say something about this experience, at least to the best of my ability. But right now, I just feel like writing. I haven't visited any caves in the last twenty-four hours nor have I had an interesting/comic/revealing/mind-expanding encounter with a young Indian child. I'm just thinking, and things tend to make more sense to me when I write them out.

It's been such an emotional roller-coaster here, for lack of a less cliche phrase to use. I experienced the big culture shock, then just the little annoyances that a person's mind can logically (albeit frustratingly) sort through and move on. But right now, I'm just in limbo. I don't have any class today, on account of only having one class today, which was cancelled. I woke up pretty late, around ten (ok, late for India Sarah, not for the US Sarah). I have no homework to do, I have no appointments to make, I have no real goals for the day. I left my house and wandered into a nice little park where I sat down to read. Five minutes later, a guard poked me with a stick and blew his whistle, saying "Hello, madam, hello!" which I soon understood to mean that the park was closing for the afternoon. Everything here closes from about one to four, but I guess the park is closed from eleven until four.

So, as any other good American student with time on her hands would do, I came to an Internet cafe to look at Facebook. I started to think about how my life here and my life back at home/CC are different. There are all of the surface distinctions (squirrels vs. cows, pohay vs. corn flakes) and how easy it is to get caught up in them. They seem exotic and like good fodder for a letter or a phone call. It's much easier to describe the language barrier than it is to describe.. well, there you are. I guess I'll call it "the other stuff."

There's the indescribable interplay between India's westernization and the tradition. It's almost more difficult to deal with than if India really were the totally foreign place I'd read about. But no... there are McDonald's, there are internet cafes on every corner, and I even saw a Sodexho sign in a coffee house the other day. I kid you not.

But there I go again, talking about the surface. Things feel different here, and it's not just the differences that I mention. There's a slower pace to everything, which felt nice for the first month but is now sort of unsettling. I was talking with my roommate about this back in our first week, and we both reached the conclusion that we felt as if we were on a vacation. Things were slower, not much was expected out of us, and I certainly didn't have any Residential Life programs to plan.

Which, all in all, was great at the time. I have the ability/curse to overplan and overschedule my time, regardless of the reason. But here, I really can't. Part of it is only knowing about twenty people in this city, sixteen of them college students my age who I can drag along to a movie theatre or other such distraction. But the other part is realizing that I really have no idea what I'm doing. I mean, I'm studying Marathi (technically) and taking some classes. I'm living with a host family. The ACM office plans programs for us once every few weeks. I've read a lot of books and practically burnt my iPod into the ground. But what am I really doing?

There are so many things I want to do and figure out, but right now I have no idea what they are. I've been to temples, I've seen some amazing Hindi movies... So it's strange. I'm certainly not bored, even though as this entry spirals on I can see how it might sound that way. If I were actually bored in a city of three million people on the other side of the world, I'd be in trouble. I think it's just more a sense of purposelessness. Now, hang on.. don't worry, I'm ok! I just need to figure stuff out.

Back at CC, I do a LOT. Life is full of stuff, whether it's activities, people, randomness. I feel like people need me, at least some of the time. But here? I haven't put down roots yet. Not even skinny ones. Which, I suppose, is understandable, since I've been here a little over a month and only speak enough of the language to get myself two chai teas for a decent price. I know that all of this takes time, but I just wish I had a plan.

Once again, I want to make clear (especially for family members, ha) that I'm doing fine. I'm not sad, I'm not bored, I'm not anything, really. And that's sort of the problem. But I'll figure myself out. I usually do. Just felt like sharing. Whew... that's better.

Love,
Sarah

iPod: "Mr. Brightside (Acoustic)," The Killers