I honestly have no title for this. Yet.

Just when I think I can take a deep breath, step back, and take an emotional break for a few days, another important life lesson taps me on the shoulder. It's good; don't get me wrong! It's why I'm here. But still, it's funny how something that seems so straightforward can end up taking you in a sideways direction.

We had a project retreat this weekend in Mabeleshwar (I'm definitely spelling that wrong), a tourist-y village about four hours away from Pune. I say tourist-y, but we hit it in the off-season, so it had the nice silence of a real village but the really good fudge shops of a tourist town. Yes, Dad, they had chocolate walnut fudge. Pretty cool, if you ask me. Anyway, the purpose of the retreat was to catch us at the halfway point of our independent study projects and see how we're doing. People are in varying stages right now, ranging from almost done to still thinking about the topic (that poor guy...), and the staff decided that we should have a chance to talk out each project while there's still time to change things. I felt like I was in a pretty good place as far as project progress and mental sanity are concerned, but I figured it'd still be a good opportunity.

So, there we sat, on the open porch of Hotel Mayfair, sipping not-so-good chai tea , nibbling on very British biscuits (not cookies, mind you), and talking about life. Due to the pretty awesome nature of my project and my inability to shut up when I'm excited about something, most people in the group already knew a decent amount about what I'm doing. I explained that I'd completely nine interviews, almost exclusively with upper-middle class women who are employed. The interviews had been amazing for the most part, but I'd come to realize that the open-ended, Western questions I had prepared would work just fine for an established, confident woman but would yield next to nothing when addressing a less educated or more timid woman. I conducted one interview with a young bai (a house cleaner/cook), and the tension and confusion were palpable. I learned a few interesting things about her, but it was obvious that the structure of my questions was completely impractical. I started talking about all this in the discussions, and then my mouth just took off without me. As I spoke, I realized that there were a lot of things I'd been thinking about quietly without even realizing it.

What started out as a fun little theatre project has morphed into a sociological, highly intimidating life journey. When I started out on this project path, I knew that I had four months... three, really, once you take the travel break into account. So, I was setting myself up... not for failure, but definitely for something interesting. But, being me, I just figured I could do it. I wouldn't let a little thing like impossibility stop me. However, I hadn't anticipated India's effect on my personality. It sounds strange, but I'm sort of a different person here. Being in a foreign country for half a year is intimidating, sure, but you also have to factor in that your support system over here is made up of young people just as scared as you are. It changes you. I'm definitely still Sarah; don't worry. But I'm less confident here. I'm not as sure of myself, I'm more needy, and I second-guess myself in ways that I would never do back in the US.

I realized that when I proposed the topic, I was still completely invincible and confident in my ability to do anything. I'm not saying that I've done a complete personality turn by any means, but my newfound hesitation here makes it next to impossible to ask difficult interview questions. I mean, I'm writing a play here. I need interesting, difficult topics to inspire me. But I've never interviewed people before, and I'm not used to having conversations that can upset people I hardly know. And I do see them as conversations, not interviews. It's allowed me to get personally connected to this project to an astounding degree, but it also makes it difficult to remove myself to the point that's necessary for a sociology project. Asking somebody about the death of her husband or the caste system are essential questions for a comprehensive understanding of her experience, but I can't bring myself to do it. And that's pretty frustrating.

I started talking about all this, and it was scary. This has become so much more than an independent study project for me. I feel like I owe it to the women with whom I've spoken to do a really, really good job on this. It's not just some analytical paper that I crank out and forget about; I'm trying to capture lives that are foreign to me in so many ways beyond geographical. It's pretty intimidating, to be honest.

But fortunately, I'm surronded by great people over here. The other students and professors helped me formulate a slightly different plan, and I'm even more excited now. I'm still writing the play; wild horses couldn't step on me enough to make me change my mind about that. It'd hurt, but I'd get over it. ;) Anyway, I'm going to write the play just using the interviews that I have right now. For me, it's important that this play doesn't become some sensationalized piece of soap opera-esque drama. I want it to be real. When a person thinks about Indian women and interesting stories, they think of women struggling in rural areas and victims of violence. Who'd write a play about upper-middle class, successful women? There's no shock value there.

But that's what I'm going to write about. This is now just Part One. As my friend Lena said, this isn't my independent study project anymore for my semester abroad in India. It's my life project. This play I'm writing right now is really a sections of a larger play, one that will take shape over years of growth and many visits to India. In the mean time, I'm going to start writing. On Thursday, I'm leaving for a month full of train rides and sleepless nights walking through the desert, so I'll have plenty of time to think. I'm still heading towards my main goal, but it's been broken down for me into pieces that I can actually swallow. I don't have to sacrifice my idealism... I just have to be a little patient.

Scared? Not anymore. The best part? I'm not hesitating one bit.

Love,
Sarah!

iPod: "Distraction," Angels & Airwaves